Red Flags Never to Ignore in a Relationship
Image credit: Juan Pablo Arenas
When you have built a relationship with someone and developed strong feelings toward them, it can be really hard to notice if the relationship has turned toxic or abusive. Described below are five important signs to look out for especially if you or someone you know has recently started a relationship.
Outbursts/Uncertainty
A sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship is feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells around your partner. The uncertainty of what your partner’s actions will be, and being worried or nervous because of this, is a red flag. Recurring feelings of uncertainty should not occur to a point where you feel constantly on edge.
Belittling
Another sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship is if your partner says demeaning comments to you that cause you to doubt yourself. In unhealthy relationships, a partner may try to belittle or discredit their significant other in order to gain control over the relationship. Approximately 19.7 percent of women and 13.5 percent of men in intimate relationships have been told that they were a loser, a failure or not good enough, according to a study conducted by the CDC in 2010. Derogatory comments are harmful, as they intentionally target one's self-esteem.
“I noticed I was in an unhealthy relationship when the things he was saying made me feel bad about myself,” a freshman government and politics major, who did not wish to disclose her name out of fear that her ex-boyfriend would see this article, said. “His comments were derogatory and sexual which made me feel uncomfortable.”
Barbara Donesky with DC Talk Therapy, a therapist with more than 20 years of experience in couples therapy, described this type of behavior as projection, a primitive defense mechanism.
“Projection is when you feel something inside of you and, instead of allowing yourself to deal with it, you project it onto other people. For example, when someone says, ‘You’re a terrible person,’ it's usually how they feel about themselves projected outward in an attempt to bring other people down to their level, so they can feel somewhat better,” Donesky said. “It is a primitive young and immature way of coping with the world.”
Manipulation
There are many different tactics that someone can use to manipulate their partner in a relationship. One example of manipulation is guilt tripping one’s partner into doing something that they wouldn’t have done otherwise.
For example a statement like, “If you really love me you will do this” can be a form of manipulation. Manipulation can also manifest as someone causing their partner to act a certain way or believe something that doesn’t align with their values or isn’t true. Any manipulation is a dangerous form of control that can be difficult to break free from.
Verbal and Physical Abuse
Verbal and physical abuse is another sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
“Verbal abuse can be even more toxic than physical abuse as it undermines one's sense of worthiness. This becomes extremely detrimental,” said Donesky.
Some examples of verbal abuse can include opposing everything that you say, using denial as a way of making you believe something didn’t happen or accusing you of something that you didn’t do.
“A woman recently described to me being verbally abused for many years. Because of this, she doesn’t trust herself or her ability to assess a situation,” Donesky said. “Anytime something happens she thinks it’s her problem and she did something wrong.”
Physical abuse is easier to recognize but can gradually worsen.
“What usually occurs is people will get a gut feeling telling them that this is painful or ‘I don’t like this’ but then don’t listen to themselves,” Donesky said. “You begin to distrust your own judgement and begin to trust the other person who is harmful.”
At first you may not notice the abuse because your partner could apologize profusely every time, or act extremely loving, yet still continue to do it. This pattern in behavior can usually be attributed to a “cycle of abuse” which occurs in four different phases.
The first phase is tension building, then in the second phase, the verbal or physical abuse occurs. In the third phase, reconciliation, the abuser will usually apologize, give an excuse or even blame the victim. Lastly, the fourth phase is known as the “calm,” when there is no abuse taking place, or the abuse that has occurred has been forgotten.
This continuous cycle can occur in an abusive relationship and be seen as the reason why the abuse continues.
Controlling Behavior
Lastly, controlling behavior of any type should be seen as an immediate red flag in a relationship.
“I think what would be useful for people is to realize once you have been subjected to this type of behavior, it affects people so much. The self doubt they begin to carry becomes really problematic,” said Donesky.
Controlling behavior can encompass and stem from many different factors.
“Controlling behavior can stem from a tremendous insecurity. Someone who is extremely insecure is trying to keep someone in their corner for as long as they can, which is why they will exhibit this type of behavior,” Donesky said.
When someone has control of you, you may feel as if you have lost control of your actions. If you are constantly being told what to do, say, or even wear, these are signs that you could be dealing with a controlling partner.
“I would have to send pictures of where I was and who I was with whenever I went out, otherwise he wouldn’t believe me,” said a freshman engineering major regarding a past relationship. She declined to provide her name out of fear that her ex boyfriend would see this.
Controlling behavior can escalate quickly.
“Once someone exhibits abusive behavior to you it is not likely they will stop. What I always tell my patients is if they are in that kind of relationship, get out,” Donesky said.
Your partner should never have control of you to the point where you are unable to make decisions for yourself.
When asked what advice she would give to anyone in an abusive relationship, Donesky said: “For women who are raised to give away their power, it takes enormous strength to realize it’s not okay to give away your power and to not trust yourself. Women question what they see or hear in my practice and don’t listen to the words. Listen to your gut, and if something doesn’t feel right, pay attention to it. Don’t keep questioning that your feelings aren’t valid, and get help.”
Victim Disclaimer
An important disclaimer regarding this article is that victims are never to blame. As a victim, you do not have control over an abusive relationship and in no way are you to blame for any events that have occurred.
Listed below are resources for those who are currently in or have previously been in abusive relationships.
CARE
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Love is Respect
One Love
