Sorry Not Sorry

Ever step on someone’s foot by accident? Accidentally run into someone when you were walking? How many times a day do you hear the words “I’m sorry?” How many times a day are you the one apologizing? When did a phrase that was such an integral part of politeness become meaningless?

Apologizing used to be a shared dialogue between people, where one person would inform the other that they regret whatever unkind action he or she did. The other person would listen, either choosing to accept the apology or not.

Often, we don’t realize how much we care about something until we lose it. Likewise, we don’t realize how much we care until phrases become overused and lose their meanings. The phrase “I’m sorry” no longer seems sincere. It’s kind of like when you pass someone on the street and you say, “Hi,” and they respond, “Hey how are you?” so you say, “Good, thanks. You?” only because it would be awkward not to ask. But do you really care how they’re doing? Are you genuinely concerned with how they are? The phrase “I’m sorry” seems to be making its way into the “Good, you?” category. Is this concerning?

According to many psychologists, it is. Apologies are important for people to mend relationships, and when the phrase becomes so colloquial, the feeling of sincerity meant to accompany a true apology becomes lost. Ladies, listen up! Psychologists have found that women over-apologize more than men. This leads to constant feelings of being in the wrong and insecurity. Sometimes, over-apologizing can lead to self-destructiveness.

But, not to worry, there are ways to combat a tendency to over-apologize:

Step 1: Like most things in life, start with a different mindset. Instead of looking at what you did wrong, thank the person who helped you. Replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you.” Example: if you couldn’t finish a paper on time (for a legit reason) and you successfully get an extension, don’t say sorry to your professor. Instead, explain how thankful you are for the extra time.

Step 2: Stop and think. Take a second to think about the situation and determine if it is really an apologizing moment. If it’s not, then don’t apologize. If it is, say sorry and mean it.

Example: In an argument with a friend, you should probably apologize if you did something to upset him/her. But, if you didn’t do anything wrong, there’s no reason to be sorry.

Step 3: Set boundaries. You don’t need to be sorry for every little thing that you do; you shouldn’t feel sorry all the time. Make sure that you aren’t apologizing for things that aren’t your fault or out of your control. Example: It’s ok if you drop your pencil in class – no apology required.

So, next time you say “I’m sorry,” think about if you genuinely are sorry, and consider if your apology is warranted.